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Today, I want to talk to you about two conflicting yet linked concepts in Taiwanese romance programs: sincerity and competition.

Now you may be asking yourselves, what do these two things have in common? Well, before talking about their similarities, let me first define them. Let’s start with concept #1: sincerity. After watching countless US shows and many Taiwanese dramas, I’ve noticed a prominent feature of Taiwanese dramas: the concept of sincerity.

I’d like to summarize the sincerity trope with this statement: As long as Person A is sincere in their romantic feelings for Person B and persistent in their sincerity, Person B will eventually be moved by those feelings and reciprocate them.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that saying “I like you” in a Taiwanese show tends to have a deeper meaning closer to love than in US shows. So, if a person confesses to liking someone, chances are they are pretty serious about it. Because of their sentiments, many characters (primarily male characters) are committed to showing the sincerity of their feelings.

Being sincere in liking someone is a beautiful concept indeed. Who wouldn’t want a partner dedicated to showing how much they care?

But let’s look at the second half of this trope: Person B will eventually be moved by those feelings and reciprocate them. They are many instances in Taiwanese dramas where this rings true, especially when it comes to men pursuing women (because heterosexuality is the most common type of sexual orientation in these shows). She may not be initially interested in him, but over time she becomes charmed by his expressions of love. And in some cases, this makes sense. After getting to know someone for a while, they might realize that they have a lot in common and share the same values and interests. These are definitely the building blocks to compatibility. Those relationships work out in both people’s favor in those specific instances.

What about a situation where Person A is sincere, but Person B is NOT INTERESTED? Never wants to be interested? Couldn’t be bothered? You get the idea.

Person B tells Person A over and over again that they are not interested at all. Does Person A have the right to continue pursuing Person B? NOPE!

What is problematic about this sincerity trope is that it completely overlooks Person B’s agency. In other words, the trope does not consider Person B’s feelings and right to make their own decisions. Person A seems to hold more power in the situation, mainly because they have strong romantic feelings.

There are two underlying issues here. The first underlying issue is the nature of consent. Person A has the right to like or love Person B. HOWEVER, Person B also has the right to accept and reciprocate those feelings.

The second underlying issue is the cultural concept that hard work equals success. In school and in our jobs, we are taught to believe that we can achieve our goals with hard work and dedication. And just like in our careers and school, that does not always work. Just because we work hard doesn’t mean we’ll get a promotion or top grade. Someone else ultimately decides our fate. Especially in matters of the heart, we should not overlook someone’s else autonomy.

So, here is where these two underlying issues intersect. If I, Person A, think that by trying hard and being a good, well-rounded person, Person B will eventually like me because I’m a good person, am I justified in my actions? Cause that’s all it takes to be a good relationship partner, right? Um, NO.

Here’s the kicker: Just because you’re a good person does not make you the perfect relationship partner. Being persistent in your sincerity also does not change things.

The problem is not that you are sincere; the problem is thinking that sincerity is enough.

Person B has the right to refuse to be with you, even if you are a good person. Why? Because Person B is part of the presumed relationship and has the right to consent to be in the relationship.

Plus, there are many reasons why two well-intentioned people don’t always make a good relationship. People have different values, interests, goals, etc. If Person B doesn’t think Person A is a good fit, for whatever reason, they might decline A’s offer. Person A could ask them why, and they could give Person A a reason (which Person A may or may not like). But then again, if they don’t want to give Person A a reason, Person A shouldn’t don’t push them. That’s the other problem. It may seem like persistence works on TV, but in reality, being persistent can annoy people in the long run. Then the person you initially liked turns into an unwanted enemy.

So you can feel free to confess your feelings; just make sure you ask the other person’s permission to pursue them in your confession.

How about this for a confession: “I really like you. And if you give me a chance, I would like to take the time to pursue you and show you how much I care. How does that sound?” Tweak with some more romantic synonyms if you’d like; just don’t forget to ask for permission.

This brings us to the next concept, #2: competition. Typically, during the sincerity trope, another person who wants Person B’s affection comes into the picture. Let’s call them Person C. Naturally, a competition starts between Person A and Person C.

Before I bring it all back to Person B, I would like to highlight the somewhat endearing nature of competition in Taiwanese dramas. I want to think of it as a “gentleman’s competition.” More often than not, the two men are very cordial in their endeavors. And they tend to have good communication skills when expressing their feelings. They graciously acknowledge each other’s existence in Person B’s life and how much Person B means to them.

They finish the conversation by saying something like “May the best man win” and stressing that it is up to Person B to choose the right person. Cue series like Love Cuisine, What is Love, Murphy’s Law of Love, Absolute Boyfriend, and more.

While appearing to be civil, fair, and cordial, the people in the competition fail to consider one important thing: Person B did not ask for this in the first place. Person A and Person C may want to give Person B the right to choose, but they tend to forget that Person B has the right to choose neither. The competition is so focused on someone being Person B’s best person for Person B it does not consider Person B’s input on what is best for Person B.

A prime example can be seen in Be With You, which aired in 2015.

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD** Xia Man Li is forced into an uncomfortable situation where she has to “choose” between her ex-boyfriend, Zhao Li Qi, and another suitor, He Shang De, who both have fallen in love with her. The problem is she is not interested in either of them. She broke up with Li Qi because he had trouble being honest with her, and he mistakenly believed that she had feelings for Shang De. After they had broken up, these two men were still actively pursuing her to the point where she had to confront them publicly to back off.

**The fact that Man Li had to consistently tell these two men to leave her alone highlights the suppression of her agency. Fortunately, they respected her feelings in the short run and left her alone. Unfortunately, they did not stay away for long. What happens next is a significant misstep for the show and many other similar dramas (Taiwan and US included). Shang De finally wins over Man Li’s heart through his persistence. Yes, he does back away momentarily, but not without his proud declaration of sincerity for liking her. Shang De believed his sincerity would eventually get him a relationship with Man Li. (Like he was the poster boy for sincerity.) And in his case, it worked. Man Li eventually gave him permission to pursue her.

**I do like that Man Li was shown giving permission to Shang De, as giving permission itself is an act of consent. HOWEVER, if permission was given due to constant pressure, then the pressure negates the consent. It is similar to a situation where a person agrees to have sex because another person constantly pressures them.

**Look, I’m not trying completely bash these types of dramas. After all, I love many good aspects of Taiwanese dramas. I appreciate how Man Li in Be With You breaks off her relationship with someone incapable of being honest and expressing his feelings. Overall, she was a great character who was self-aware and vocal about her interests and needs in a romantic relationship. This is why it’s a shame that the show focused so much on Shang De’s sincerity in winning her over instead of concentrating on Man Li’s agency in finding the love she wants.

Sincerity in itself is not a bad thing. Sincerity becomes problematic, however, when it supersedes another person’s agency.